Thursday, December 9, 2010

Navy Parrot

The old Navy chief finally retired and got that chicken ranch he always wanted. He took with him his life-long pet parrot.

The first morning at 0430, the parrot squawked loudly and said, "Reveille, Reveille. All hands, Heave out, trice up! The smoking lamp is lit, now Reveille!

The old chief told the parrot, We are no longer in the Navy. Go back to sleep.

The next morning, the parrot did the same thing.

Chief told the parrot, "If you keep this up, I'll put your &*# out in the chicken pen."

Again, on the third day, the parrot dit it, and true to his word, the Chief put the parrot in the chicken pen.

About 0630 the next morning, the Chief was awakened by one heck of a ruckus in the chicken pen. He went out to see what was the matter.

The parrot had about 40 white chickens at attention -- in formation. On the ground lay three bruised and beaten brown chickens. The parrot was saying, "By God, when I say fall out in dress whites, I don't mean khakis!"

Monday, December 6, 2010

Chain of Command

I spent 26 years in the greatest canoe club in the world - the United States Navy - and retired as a Master Chief Radioman. Like all organizations there was a chain of command that you had better adhere to if you wanted to survive. It worked when I was in the Navy and I'm sure it still works the same way today. So here is the REAL Navy Chain of Command:

Admiral - Leaps over tall buildings with a single bound. Is more powerful than a locomotive. Is faster than a speeding bullet. Walks on water. Gives policy guidance to God.

Captain - Leaps short buildings with a single bound. Is more powerful than a small engine. Is just as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water if the sea is calm. Talks with GOD.

Commander - Leaps short buildings with a running start. Is almost as powerful as a small engine. Is slower than a speeding bullet. Walks on water in indoor swimming pools. Talks with GOD if special form is provided.

Lieutenant commander - Barely clears little huts. Lose tug of war with small engine . Can fire a speeding bullet. Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by GOD.

Lieutenant - Crashes into buildings trying to leap over them. Is run over by small engines. Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self injury. Dog paddles. Talks to animals.

Lieutenant Junior Grade - Cannot recognize buildings. Recognizes small engines two or three times. Is not issued ammunition. Can stay afloat if instructed in Mae West. Talks to walls.

Ensign - Falls over doorstep when trying to enter a building. Says"Look at the Choo-choo" when locomotive passes by. Not allowed elastic for his slingshot. Plays in puddles. Mumbles to himself.

Chief Petty Officer - Lifts tall buildings and walks under them. Kicks Locomotives off tracks. Catches Bullets in teeth and eats them. Freezes water with a single glance. He is GOD.